Learning to Surrender the Inner Control Freak

How my brain wants things to be…nice organized boxes

Trust. Surrender. Illusion. Control. Recently I have decided that all of these things are related. One cannot exist without the other.

I have a part of me that I call the "control freak" and she likes to talk A LOT. She is the one that likes everything to be organized and clean. The one who wants to control my thoughts, my actions, other people, other people's responses to me. This part of me wants to organize each one of these ideas and words in separate boxes. She likes to think she in charge and the more she separates things in neat little boxes the better Lesha will feel.

Am I tripping you out that I talk about parts of myself as a separate person? I do it all of the time and it helps me see and observe the different parts of me. I use this technique with my clients as a way for them to start to observe themselves and their responses. It is a skill that comes with meditation. With practice, we all can develop the ability to observe ourselves and our actions vs. BE our actions.

It was through meditation and study that I started to see I have many separate "voices" and "parts of myself" in my head. The control freak does not always run the show. However, there are just certain times and situations where that part of me is alive, speaking and trying to gain control of ALL things. That is her job.

As I start to observe the different aspects of me it has actually led to increased compassion for myself. Now when the control freak shows up I can start to recognize it and honor that she is doing her job. I can love that part of myself and honor her for what she is trying to do. Sometimes this part of me is important and I other times I can ask her to take a breath and take a back seat.

So that is control and my inner control freak. And she does not like surrender. She does not really trust many people or situations unless she is control of them. She definitely does not like illusion. She wants to know all of the answers. She wants to figure out the future and plan exactly how it is going to be, step by step. Control feels better when there is separateness and a detailed plan.

But that is not our world. We are all one giant co-existing ball of energy. And detailed plans rarely turn out.

Illusion literally means a false idea or belief, wrongly perceived. Control is an illusion. Control thinks it's in charge, but it's not. I can make plans, set goals, but it has never happened the way I thought it would. Can you tell me when, if ever, an outcome happened EXACTLY as you thought it would? OR maybe you got the outcome but the way of getting there was not what you thought it would be? Life happens, people die, we loose jobs, we end relationships, there's car accidents, moves we did not plan, pregnancies we did not plan, and so on. We cannot control these things and the fact that we think we can is an illusion.

So comes the surrender and trust. Once my control freak takes a breath, the part of me that understands there is a "bigger picture", can step into the stage. The part of me that can surrender understands control is an illusion. The part of me that can surrender has a deep relationship with trust.

Surrendering to the BIGGER picture

I trust everything is happening for my highest good. I trust that the only thing I can trust is myself. I trust that once I surrender, deeply surrender and let go of ALL CONTROL, in that space is actually more trust. Trust in myself, trust in life, trust in the situation. That leads to more surrender, less control, and illusion can be seen for what it is.

My last year has been about falling into deep surrender. Trusting what IS in the moment. Letting go of control. My life is not happening the way control freak wants it. And I am thankful for that. Instead of controlling life, I am allowing life to flow through me and guide me in each moment. The less control freak is in charge the more magic is actually happening; better relationships, a trip to Bali, studying with 10 beautiful women and an amazing teacher for 7 months through the womb gates. A year a go, I could not have planned for that if I tried.

I had to let go. I had to surrender. I had to trust myself. I had to trust surrender itself.

This is not easy. I fully understand how difficult it can be. I believe the thing holding you back is the desire to control and your unwillingness to surrender. From experience, it is when I tried to control everything and every aspect of what I wanted that it actually stopped me. I could not move forward with ease or trust. It is when I surrendered that things actually started to happen.

So now what? In my next post I will share my own surrender ceremony I created to help you on your journey of letting go.

LET GO

And honestly? Meditate and start to surrender. Build a relationship of trust with yourself. LET GO. Let go of how you want it to be, how you think it should be, how you want it to look. Set goals, be a loving person, and trust whatever is happening is for your highest good. Listen to your inner wisdom and trust that it knows exactly what you need. Follow your inner wisdom and do what it says. And as always reach out to me for work or a chat if you feel lost!

Love + Light
Lesha